sunday morning

i woke up early this morning. i don't know why... maybe because i was in bed before 11:00 for once. today is my dad's birthday. i think he and my mom probably think i forgot. i have to stop and get him a card on my way over for lunch. i should get him something too. i just don't know what. maybe a gift certificate to home depot. i really don't know.

i'm rambling. i want to write - i'm just not quite sure what it is i want to write ABOUT.

This was a productive weekend, overall - i mean, there are still a couple of big things i haven't finished that i was really hoping to conquer, but that's okay. maybe this afternoon when i get home from dear ol' mom and dad's... then again, maybe not.

i started feeling kinda crappy yesterday afternoon, and today i feel it might be more of the same. i hope i'm not getting sick. kinda feel like i might be. bleh.

i need time for myself, and i know this is good for me - probably the BEST thing i could be doing right now, but it's SO hard to battle that 'fight or flight' instinct that comes from being alone. the first few hours are nice. i really enjoy time spent by myself - but as the afternoon/evening moves on, a sort of panic comes over me when i realize there's a great possibility that i could go a whole day without seeing/talking to anyone... and i'm (seemingly) automatically propelled into this place where i want to call someone and make plans to do something. but you see, right now, that isn't the easiest thing to do... my friend situation is in a weird place at this point in my life. most of my friends are either coupled or married, and like most people who are in committed relationships - they have their own, busy lives, and aren't really up for "spontaneous" outings with friends (especially newly single friends), and the fact that the more spontaneous couples within my group are either A. splitting time/caught-up in the middle/balancing between my ex B. too far away to be much help C. too caught-up in their own lives to care about hanging out or catching-up OR D. not speaking to me at all.

see, when i'm alone for an entire day/afternoon/evening (or more), i get rather introspective. and the analysis of my life begins (thus, why i'm here... blogging about myself. trying to find answers. make some sort of poignant self-discovery. something. i don't know.)

i really should go back to dr. therapist, but since H continued seeing him after our break-up that made it really easy for me to back off and stop going all-together. plus, it just frustrates me sometimes... as smart (and CORRECT) as he is on so many things regarding my past/present/future, there are some things that i just don't want to deal with right now. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm rebelling and just being defiant regarding these changes so obviously need to be dealt with. maybe it's the thought that the person i'm to become seems 180˚ different from who i've been. it get's so overwhelming.

i'm definitely at a point in my life (personally and professionally) that if i didn't have my elderly parents here, I would seriously consider moving away... to just get the hell out of here. portland maybe? i have a friend there. i could start over. i've never wanted to stay in dallas, but unfortunately, right now, that will have to wait.

i really need to get myself sorted out. i need to re-focus. hell, focus - period.

it's 8:51 and i've been up for almost an hour.

maybe i'll go to church.

maybe i'll keep rambling here.

maybe i'll finish the chores i didn't get to yesterday.

maybe.

maybe.

maybe.

...story of my life.